Wah. I'm moving out of Kansas in three days and the bizarre thing is that I DONT WANT TO GO.
I like my life here- I feel like I know who I am. I make art. I teach. The facts are simple, but straightforward. I'm going back to my hometown, which I have mixed feelings about. I am loving the fact that I get to be around all my friends and family again for the first time in 12 years, but beyond that, the enthusiasm gets cut short. I have no idea what this next year will be like and if it's anything like graduating with a BFA nine months after 9/11, then I am unduly frightened. My honest opinion is "I'm getting too old for this shit." How many times have I started over? I do realize that I'm the only architect for this meandering lifestyle. I'm the one who wanted the lofty-but-not-practical art degrees! I could've been a nurse. I have to stress that I am in no way unhappy, I feel great about myself, I'm just terrified of the potential length of time it's going to take to find a job- not even a great, career-type job- just one that hires me!
I know this is petty, but I do have to say that I am weary of the smiley-types who placate me with "But you're so talented! You'll be fine!" Talent has nothing to do with it. My fears are justified in that I've been in this situation before and it was a LONG time before some things were fine. I just wonder how long the process will drag on this time...
But hey- happyhappy joyjoy! I f*ing love life and everyone in it! AND I get to go back to figure skating again next week now that my grad school exile is over! Yay!